Being a mother without a mother

Wow, its been almost a year since I have posted on this blog. Funny how life gets in the way of the life I wish I had.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if five years ago had not happened. How would my own sense of motherhood be different if my own mother were here? Would I have spent the first eight weeks of Luisa's life crying hysterically? Would I have had to go on medication for post partum depression? Would I let Luisa eat chips for breakfast? I don't know, nor will I ever know, so I try not to dwell but sometimes the urge overcomes me and I sit for hours lost in the fading memories of my own childhood.

My childhood was the all American childhood. Holidays, vacations, sports, play dates, school, babysitters, sibling rivalry. My mother raised me and my sister with little help from her own mother. Am I that much different?

The worst part is that I can't really imagine my mom with Luisa. I think she would be thrilled, loving, funny, silly, but I can't see it in my mind. I can't imagine the relationship they would have. That is where the thoughts go blank.