Living in .......fear?

I have come to the conclusion that I live in fear. I guess this is not a new revelation, I have known this for a while. Okay, I have known it since about sixth grade when I became super shy after asking all of the boys out and being rejected.....repeatedly. I find it funny that I remember that so well and I can see how it affected who I am today. Sad really.


Anyway, back to the here and now, no need to relive that painful period of my life, right? So I am a scaredy cat. This manifests itself in many ways. Not only am I afraid to fail, I am afraid to succeed as well. I play it so safe that there is really no room for anything except steady Eddie. A straight line, never testing the boundaries, never going outside of my zone. This can be very boring, I realize that, but it can also be very comforting too. However, at this very moment, I am at a crossroads and my fear is taking over. I am at a complete standstill. I am in a dream screaming my head off but no sound is coming out of my wide open mouth. Fear is holding me captive. Somewhere, a ransom note is going unanswered.


We live in a 1080 sq foot home in Southern California. It has two bedrooms and two bathrooms. One of which we added ourselves. I love this house. It is perfect, albeit in a bit of a....how shall I say, "unique" neighborhood. Okay, it is in the hood people, but I love my hood. And I love my house.


A few months ago my husband hired an architect to put together plans for a home renovation. Originally we thought we would finish our attic or dig out our cellar and make a basement. Our architect had other ideas and has given us plans that completely flip our house to make room for one more bedroom and adding a sun room. I love the plans, but it makes the house unlivable for pretty much the entire construction phase. Okay, a bit scary right? But these plans, they are not for now. They are for later, when the market bounces back and we can qualify for a home equity line of credit right? RIGHT? Not so much. My husband is hot to start this project. His little pants are on fire to start this renovation. I just smile and say "wait for the construction budget babe" but he is steps ahead of me. He has already priced it out in his head and brought his dad on board for the construction part. He is well down the road and I am stuck at the top of the street paralyzed in fear.


You see, this renovation would drain our savings. It would drain my husbands stocks and we would still end up borrowing about 10 to 15K to complete the project. Scary right? Let me clarify though.....we have several (four...does that constitute several?) retirement accounts, a 529 for Luisa's education and have zero credit card debt, no car payments and our only debt is our house. So, am I scared because I live in fear or am I scared because this is a bad idea in this kind of economic environment? I don't know the difference. That is the main problem with living in fear. I am scared of everything so how do I know when the fear is real or when it is just me being me?


To make matters more confusing, I hate my job and would really like to start my own business. What kind of business? A baby boutique. One that has really cool, unique, new items but that also carries a ton of second hand goods. Yep, that is what I want but I know nothing about owning a retail store save what I learned working at Color Me Mine after college. I do have a degree in Marketing though which is pretty much worth the paper my diploma is written on so I have that going for me.

My husband? My sweet husband? Well, he will give me the money to start my business if that is what I want, but I have to do my homework. I have to show him that it will be profitable. Basically he is the bank and I am applying for a small business loan.

My instinct is to freeze. To stay where I am. A mediocre sales person in a hotel. Status quot. I am successful enough to stay off the radar but not successful enough to get recognition. This is my comfort zone people. I like it here, mostly until I really think about it and wish I had the balls to run, run like hell into the arms of myself and fucking buck up! But I don't and I know that about myself.

ohmygodiwantanotherbaby.....

Wait, what? WHAT?? I know, I know. I did not......adjust.....well to motherhood. I get that. I don't know why it happened, but it did. I am okay with that fact. It took a while and some meds but I am better now! I am a good mom and every time I see any baby smaller than Luisa I want another one. I can't help it. AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER AHHHHH!!!! There I said it. Now I have to go take the birth control pill I forgot this morning. I do have a rational side...I think.

Ugh.

I am in funk today. The worst part of it? It is not even my funk to be in. My life, thankfully, is fairly drama free. I have a husband of four years and a ten month old baby girl, oh and two ill behaved but lovable dogs. That is it. We have as much drama as that can supply and luckily, it's not much. I guess this is why I feel other peoples drama as if it were my own. (Also my excuse for watching reality TV, for the drama since I don't have much of my own).


Here is the root of the funk. A friend is back with an ex. This friend is not someone who I hang out with on a regular basis. We work together and I love her dearly, but we have our own paths and they don't cross as much as I would like. What's the problem? This ex, he's a bit on the verbally abusive side. Actually, he is a lot on the verbally abusive side. They have been broken up for a couple of years, but have never severed ties completely. He made her feel about an inch tall when they were together and made her feel about two inches tall when they were apart. He is a jerk, he is a coward and I can't stand the sight of him.

My friend? She is lovely, beautiful inside and out, talented, successful, the list goes on. So why oh why is she with this guy? I don't know. I think she lacks a bit of self esteem. I understand how this can happen, but with her it baffles me because she is so fantastic. I tell her this often, but she doesn't listen and I get it. I know how we view ourselves is often different from how others view us. I was one class short of a minor in psychology people, I GET IT (I realize this means nothing, don't comment about it, moving along).

I have listened to her cry over this said guy for years now. I know all of the terrible things he has said and done. I know the story. Here is my issue...WHAT DO I DO NOW? What does she need, my friend? Do I support her whole hearted and wait to pick up the pieces again or do I ask her WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING? Does she need tough love or undying support? Am I enabling her if I give her support? I know her biggest fear right now is being judged by her friends. I get that and Internet, I am not judging her, she is a great person regardless of this situation, but I don't know how to deal with it. I want to scream from the roof tops HE IS AN ASSHOLE THAT WILL GIVE YOU NOTHING BUT A BROKEN HEART AND THERAPY BILLS!!!! But I don't want her to feel like I am not trying to understand. I am trying. I need to understand. I don't get it. HELP!

Vacation

This last week, I took Luisa to Denver to see my family and friends. It was a great trip. Luisa was her normal easy going self and charmed the entire family, not to mention the flight crew on both flights. The only downside? Realizing how great it is to spend every day with her. But, due to the "sunshine tax" in lovely Southern California, I have to work. I know, poor me.

I married Tom Cruise....er okay, his name is Tom

When Luisa was born, I cried for two weeks straight. Baby blues for sure. It stopped for the most part around week three with only the occasional melt down over nothing. By week 8, I had joined Stroller Strides, attached my self to two other new moms and felt pretty good about the whole motherhood thing.

Christmas time rolled around and all of a sudden, I totally lost my shit. I am not completely sure I ever had it, but I was sure I lost it. Not only was I crying ALL the time, I was eternally pissy....even with close friends. I felt like the only new mom in the world. And then I felt stupid for feeling that way because HELLO? We clearly have a population problem so there were plenty of other crazies doing exactly what I was doing too. I knew I had to get a handle on myself. I had suffered a bit of depression about six months after my mom died so I knew I was prone.

I was out mailing some gifts for Christmas on the 22nd of December. I stood in line at the post office for almost an hour and then in my "new baby haze", told the guy I was mailing wine. Yep, I actually said that. Guess what.... YOU CAN'T MAIL WINE!!! I know, you already know that hunh. So did I. I fought back the tears and yelling and snuck out the door. I walked into the next post office prepared to lie my ass off and got in line behind a lovely little family of three, the baby being about Luisa's age. I lost it. Crying hysterically. For. No. Reason.

I went home, sat down beside my husband and told him I had some post partum depression. "What are you going to do?" he asked. "I don't know, call my doctor and get some meds." I said. "Really? Don't you think you could control it with some vitamins, food and more exercise?" I shit you not. This sentence came out of his mouth and he still has no idea of the feud between Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields.

This is the point where my head blew up into a million bloody little pieces all over our beautiful little baby and our living room. I sent "Tom Cruise" away, called my nurse Cookie (LOVE me some Cookie) packed up that pretty little baby and went to get some good drugs!!!

The drugs made me feel instantly better, they helped me get out of the house more with Luisa and THEY SAVED MY HUSBAND'S LIFE! Thank you makers of Lexapro. My husband is indebted to you.